You May Not Be Playing The Victim, But You Could Be Doing This Instead

Self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools we have for growth. When practised with care, it helps us understand our inner world, recognise our patterns and make conscious choices. 

Without compassion, however, self-awareness can quietly turn against us. Instead of becoming a path to insight, it can become a source of self-blame, leaving us stuck rather than supported.

At its core, self-awareness invites curiosity. 

Within RocheMartin’s Emotional Intelligence framework, it is defined as the ability to understand our emotions and recognise how they influence our behaviour. This understanding creates space for choice. It allows us to respond rather than react and to grow with intention.

Self-blame tells a different story. It speaks in absolutes and judgments. It sounds like, “This is my fault” or “I am not good enough.” When compassion is missing, awareness becomes a tool for punishment rather than learning. True self-awareness holds responsibility alongside kindness. It acknowledges our actions without attaching them to our worth.

Remember, you may have made a mistake, but you are not a mistake.

This is where self-leadership begins. Accountability is not about harsh self-correction. It is an active, respectful relationship with yourself. It means noticing patterns and choosing differently, even when no one else is watching. 

When accountability is absent, it often shows up as avoidance rather than action.

This can look like repeating self-sabotaging habits, blaming circumstances for how we feel, or distracting ourselves instead of facing uncomfortable truths. To understand these patterns more clearly, Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle offers a useful lens.

The Victim

The Victim role is marked by feelings of powerlessness. Thoughts such as “I will never change” can soften into “I cannot control everything, but I can choose how I respond.” Ownership grows when we recognise our role in shaping our inner and outer experience.

The Persecutor

The Persecutor role shows up as harsh self-criticism. Statements like “I always get this wrong” can evolve into “I can see this pattern, and I am capable of changing it.” Awareness becomes empowering when it leads to growth rather than self-attack.

The Rescuer

The Rescuer role often hides behind busyness and distraction. Overworking or numbing behaviours can feel productive, yet they avoid the real work. Compassionate accountability sounds like “I trust myself to face this and take aligned action.”

If you recognise yourself in any of these roles, let that awareness be gentle. Growth does not require self-condemnation. It requires honesty paired with kindness. When a pattern arises, pause and ask yourself what is actually happening, what story you are telling, and what this moment is inviting you to learn.

When we stop treating ourselves as problems to fix and begin recognising ourselves as humans in continual evolution, capable of learning, choice and meaningful change.